Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
