Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
