just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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