His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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