Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Apparently you make a good broom.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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