bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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