I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
