I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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