Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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