Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's always time for handjobs
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
