It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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