seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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