so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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