finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
