cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize