I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
