Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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