Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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