spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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