Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
