I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
