the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
