Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
