Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
