My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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