There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
