shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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