He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
