but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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