guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
