just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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