hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
