I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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