hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
