My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
