I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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