I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
