i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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