I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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