apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
