you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
