he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
