while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
