Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
