remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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