I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
