I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
