Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
