How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
