I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
