I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He? As in you personified your dick?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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