Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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