How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
