I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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