I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
