I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
